my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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