it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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