I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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