I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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