I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My breasts were aching with rage.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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