I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
