my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
