Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
