I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
