and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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