There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
