Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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