If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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