Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
