I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
