Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
