No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize