I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
