The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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