please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
