I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
