My hand turned me down
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
