So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
