So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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