I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
