a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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