When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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