Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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