JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I would fuck him just for his dog
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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