wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
