An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
