Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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