Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
