Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
