Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
