alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize