I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
