woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
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