sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
