I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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