2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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