He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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