I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I faked an abortion last night.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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