my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I love you. Go after that dick
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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