Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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