the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
