Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
