the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
