Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So many bounce houses so little time
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
