Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
