Screwed.edu
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
