your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
