Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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