i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
