How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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