Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
