My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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