Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize