i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
