I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
