Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Randomize
