god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
